4 April, 2018 - 14:36 By Tony Quested

The 4Rs: Reading, Riting, Rithmetic – and Rifle Shooting!

Languages tutor Annie Oakley appeared even more curvaceous than normal as she dragged herself wearily into class.

Uttering a few expletives in Russian, she slumped at her desk, pausing only to remove her bandolier and place it in the drawer along with the 25 knives and seven hand grenades she had confiscated from pupils over the three days prior.

With her students not due to arrive for at least another 10 minutes she took the opportunity to slip the Colt Navy revolver from the left cup of her bra and – with some difficulty - disengage the AR-15 from the waistband of her pantyhose and hide them in her secret cache behind the white board.

If only the class had been due for ice hockey that day she could have smuggled her Browning M2 machine gun in her sports bag. It was at that moment that humanities tutor Belle Starr arrived in the school yard astride a renovated Gatling gun heavily disguised as an experimental bicycle. She looked unusually anxious.

With a generous consignment of Semtex tucked into the makeshift saddle bag she sharply rapped on Miss Oakley’s window, pleading for help to secrete the explosives under the notoriously loose and creaking floorboards of the languages classroom.

Passing by the classroom door, school caretaker Johnny Ringo was only too keen to help the teachers in their mission. And so dawned just another ordinary day at Shit Creek High.

A glance at the timetable for the day showed how dramatically the curriculum had shifted since President Trump ordered that adept teachers should carry firearms.

First up was double Triggernometry. Then ‘Take a Life Sciences.’ Smart students in the Latin class had learned to combine conjugation of the verb ‘to love’ with a new drill on firearms: Instead of Amo, amas, amat and so on they were chanting: “Ammo, A massacre; a mat to lay the bodies on ....”

Students working on the school magazine were nearly out of bullets but spirits remained high in the gymnasium next door as the American Football cheer leaders leapt and twirled enthusiastically while chanting: “Sophomores suffer no more, drop the bastards at the door.”

Touring the school and unable to suppress a smile, proud head teacher – ‘Wild’ Bill Cockup – silently rejoiced in the creative forces new White House legislation had allowed to flow through US high schools since an incident at a Colorado creche when five three-year-olds with pistols tucked into their nappy pull-ups mowed down NRA members visiting to lecture on responsible gun ownership.

With a flash of inspiration, he decided on the spot to rename the school: Shit Creek Ack-Ack-ademy. 

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