There’s not been too much seasonal goodwill around for the nation’s favourite domestic goddess, Nigella Lawson.
She’s been on the receiving end of the kind of stuffing and roasting Delia Smith usually gives her festive turkey.
Without taking sides, because this story will clearly run awhile, I’ve come up with a new recipe for Christmas – Roast Nigella a la Saatchi et Grillo!
Just a quick guide to all you occasional chefs out there: This recipe should be taken with a fair pinch of salt.
Core ingredients: One sacrificial lamb; One pint of bile; Several ounces of sour grapes.
Please note – according to an old Albanian recipe you can ensure the optimum temperature of the lamb ahead of roasting by grasping it firmly by the throat. This also softens it up nicely for what is about to follow.
For best cooking results: Turn up the heat as high as it can go. Baste the sacrificial lamb with a generous helping of bullshit and shake the dish vigorously at regular intervals. Serve with repulsive leer.
For dessert try hard cheese. This can often take away the bitter after-taste that roasting at very high temperatures can leave.
Optional extra: Fans of this type of aggressive cuisine may like to keep something a little tasty on the side. It doesn’t need to be anything as extravagant as a freshly bought tart – just any little dish you may have made earlier.